When Christmas Isn’t Merry: 7 Quiet Losses Many People Carry During the Holidays

12/17/2025

by Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Christmas is often described as a joyful time, but for many people it can feel anything but and can amplify painful emotions. It's one thing to deal with grief and loss, but it's another to deal with a heartache that others don't acknowledge or understand. Subtler losses are rarely named or supported. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are 7 types of loss that I have seen clients struggle with over the holidays.

1. The Loss of Someone Who Has Been Gone for a Long Time

Most people anticipate that the first Christmas after losing a loved one will be difficult. People are more aware of your loss, and there is permission to struggle. What is less talked about is how grief can resurface years later. Years after my father passed away, I was surprised at how the second and third Christmas hit harder than before.

People often think they should be “past this by now.” But grief is not linear and often moves in cycles. Sometimes it takes longer for you to fully grasp that the person is really gone. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries have a way of reopening what was never fully finished.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” --Psalm 42:11

2. The Loss of Traditions and the People Who Made Them Happen

Families often experience more than one loss after a death. In addition to losing a loved one, we also lose the routines, roles, and traditions that person held, commonly referred to as secondary loss.

There can be grief not just for the person, but for the holiday as a whole. Perhaps it was your mom or grandmother who prepared the meals and wrapped the gifts, or your dad or grandpa who put up the lights each year and led the family in prayer at Christmas dinner. After these loved ones are gone, traditions change or quietly fade away. Sometimes no one knows how to step into the role or what to do with old expectations. These seemingly small details can leave a large hole that constantly reminds you of the person who is gone.

“There is a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” —Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

3. The Loss of Health, Yours or Someone Else’s

Maybe your loved one isn't gone, but things just aren't the same. If a family member is dealing with dementia, chronic illness, or decline, you might find yourself grieving someone who is still sitting in the room. Most of the time when we grieve the loss of someone, we are mourning a clear beginning and end of their life. But when there is a slow fade or things are uncertain health-wise, you might experience what's known as ambiguous loss, a type of loss that is ongoing, unclear, and without resolution.

At the same time, you may be bracing for a future loss you know is coming. If a loved one is dealing with a terminal illness or advanced aging, you might experience what's known as anticipatory grief, which means feeling sad before the person is gone. You know it's coming, they know it's coming, but everyone is trying to carry on like nothing has changed.

Sometimes the loss is your own health. You may be the one who used to make the holidays happen, and now you can't stay on your feet as long. You feel overwhelmed more easily. Your body no longer cooperates the way it once did. This can carry grief, shame, and a sense of quiet mourning that others do not see.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” —2 Corinthians 4:16

4. The Loss of Work and Financial Security

Job loss is a significant and often unacknowledged grief during the holidays. December is an incredibly busy and expensive time of year. People are not only expected to take off work, but are pressured to spend extra money on loved ones (even if they can't afford it). This intensifies if you're not receiving a regular paycheck. It can make celebrations feel more stressful than joyful. There can be embarrassment when people ask questions about your job search or when they skirt around it in conversation.

This kind of loss can affect your identity, dignity, and sense of purpose. People often carry it alone, even while sitting at a holiday table surrounded by others.

“Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’… your heavenly Father knows that you need them.” --Matthew 6:31–32

5. The Loss of a Relationship Through Divorce or Breakup

Losing a relationship with your significant other can be especially painful during the holidays. Divorce can carry grief that others avoid naming because they don't want to make you feel worse. Breakups are even more likely to be dismissed with phrases like “you’ll find someone else” or “there's plenty of fish in the sea.” Family members might even make fun of your ex out of a desire to support you, which might hurt more if you still love the person.

Shared traditions, inside jokes, future plans, and a sense of belonging are suddenly gone. Christmas has a way of highlighting what's missing from previous years, especially when it's attached to specific memories.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18

6. The Loss of a Child Through Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is one of the most frequently unacknowledged forms of grief. Losing a child is the most devastating loss a parent can experience, and it's even more painful when others don't know about it or when it hasn't been shared with others. Because these losses are often private, many people grieve silently.

Christmas imagery is saturated with themes of birth, family, and new life, which can be deeply painful for those who have experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss. The holidays can reopen questions about what might have been, along with renewed feelings of sadness, anger, or isolation.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” --Matthew 5:4

7. Other Losses That Are Not Publicly Recognized

Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not widely acknowledged or socially supported. We commonly see this when someone is dealing with things like family estrangement, infertility, grieving the loss of a pet, or other significant changes that others don't know about or understand. These types of losses often don't get public acknowledgment or have clear rituals that bring support. During the holidays, these losses can feel especially isolating. When grief is not recognized, it often becomes heavier and harder to bear.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” —Romans 12:15

If You're Struggling This Year...

If you recognize yourself in any of these losses, there is nothing wrong with you. Grief often needs to be processed and metabolized in order to heal. It can't be rushed, ignored, or pushed away.

It's important to find support during this season.

Support can take many forms, but counseling can be especially helpful in processing grief. Grief support groups can offer empathy and connection, and even a trusted friend who is willing to talk over coffee or hot cocoa can make a meaningful difference.

If the season feels heavier than you expected, it may be because you are carrying something meaningful that deserves care. It's a place where God can and will meet you with healing and compassion. Scripture reminds us that “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

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When Summer Makes You Sad: Understanding Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder

7/19/2023

Emilia had always been a creature of spring. The fresh blooms, soft pastels, and the celebration of Easter — these were the things that filled her heart with a profound sense of joy. But as spring gradually gave way to summer, and the blossoms yielded to a fiery red sun, Emilia could feel a familiar exhaustion creeping into her spirit.

In Phoenix, Arizona, where she lived, the summers were relentless. Come late June or early July, temperatures regularly soared above 110 degrees or more for weeks at a time. The sun blazed and the desert landscape outside her window seemed to ripple and waver in the blistering heat. The city that had been her beloved home began to feel more like a furnace. Emilia, once a social butterfly, started to retreat indoors to escape the sweltering heat. Her weekends, once bursting with excitement as she explored the trails of Piestewa Peak or enjoyed outdoor picnics at Encanto Park, had now been reduced to a monotonous existence within the confines of her small air-conditioned apartment.

There are ways to beat the "sunshine blues"

Emilia noticed her mood shift as the temperatures rose. Restlessness pervaded her nights, and her appetite dwindled as well. She could not shake off an uncharacteristic irritability that tinged her social interactions, even with the people she cared about. A sense of profound sadness and unease would wash over her for no discernible reason. It felt as if the sun that she once worked and played under was now a never-ending heat lamp under which she wilted.

She had heard about Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD), but her knowledge was limited to the "winter blues" common in colder climates. Living under the long summers of Phoenix, it never crossed her mind that she could be facing a reverse form of the disorder until she stumbled upon an article while mindlessly scrolling through her phone one sleepless night. She read about the symptoms of Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder and it all began to make sense.

What is Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder?
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is linked to the change in seasons, often in temperate climates during the winter when the reduction in sunlight can affect an individual's serotonin levels, leading to (or worsening) depression. The reverse version, called Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder (RSAD), tends to occur in warm climates during the summer. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, RSAD symptoms include trouble sleeping (insomnia), poor appetite, weight loss, and agitation or anxiety.

In hot and sunny places like Phoenix, Arizona, people can experience RSAD. One might think that in a city that sees more than 300 sunny days per year, seasonal depression would be nearly non-existent. However, the intense heat can lead to many of the same symptoms as winter-onset Seasonal Affective Disorder. For instance, the unbearable temperatures might prevent residents from leaving their homes, leading to a decrease in social activities, exercise, and overall mood. RSAD can also compound already existing mental health disorders such as major depressive disorder and various anxiety disorders.

One might think that in a city that sees more than 300 sunny days per year, seasonal depression would be nearly non-existent. However, the intense heat can lead to many of the same symptoms as winter-onset Seasonal Affective Disorder.

It can even impact an individual's spirituality. A person's relationship with God is often a source of solace and hope, a wellspring from which they derive strength and resilience. However, pervasive feelings of anxiety, restlessness, and depression associated with RSAD can contribute to feelings of disconnection from oneself, one's family, friends, and even one's faith. If a person is already dealing with some type of spiritual struggle, such as dealing with grief or loss, the physiological effects of RSAD can compound the already existing feelings of dispair and isolation.

Strategies for Dealing with RSAD
So, how can one combat summertime sadness? The strategies for dealing with summer-onset RSAD are somewhat similar to those dealing with winter-onset SAD:

Light Management: While winter SAD often benefits from more light, RSAD might require less. Blackout curtains or eye masks can help regulate the amount of light you're exposed to, especially when the sun comes out earlier and stays out later.
Maintain a Regular Schedule: Keeping a consistent sleep and eating schedule can help regulate your body’s internal clock and reduce symptoms.
Stay Cool: This one can be tough in places like Phoenix, but try to stay as cool as possible. Overexposure to heat can exacerbate feelings of discomfort or agitation. Take a dip in a pool or try taking a cold shower before bed.
Physical Activity: Regular physical activity can help reduce symptoms of depression and boost your mood. While doing physical activity outside is not advisable if there is a heat warning, you can exercise indoors at home or find a local gym that is air-conditioned and has plenty of space to move around.
Stay Connected: Even if the heat makes going out less appealing, it's crucial to maintain social connection. Use technology to stay connected if physical meetings are not possible.
Professional Help: As with any form of depression, it's important to seek help from your doctor as well as a counselor if your symptoms are severe or persist for an extended period.

Spirituality can provide an oasis, a place of refreshment from the intensity of the outside world.

Creating a Spiritual Oasis
Various spiritual practices can serve as a resource for those dealing with RSAD. Spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, reading scripture, or simply spending quiet time in reflection can help manage symptoms. Such practices often encourage the cultivation of inner peace and acceptance, helping individuals weather the emotional storms brought on by the changing seasons. By promoting a sense of connectedness and offering a different perspective on suffering, spirituality can provide a buffer against the effects of RSAD. Moreover, integrating spirituality into one's daily routine can foster consistency, which is key in managing RSAD. In essence, spirituality can provide an oasis, a place of refreshment amidst the intensity of the outside world.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, Emilia decided to confront her summertime sadness. She first visited her doctor who talked to her about possible antidepressant solutions. Even if she wasn't ready to try medication, her doctor recommended that she see a therapist or counselor. Being a person of faith, Emilia sought advice from a Christian counselor who helped her implement various spiritual resources and practical strategies. Blackout curtains were hung, sleep schedules were established, a daily devotional time was implemented, and an exercise routine was followed. Emilia also tried her best to maintain her social connections by connecting with friends over iced coffee and getting more involved in summertime activities at her church.

Emilia even began to appreciate the parts of summer that she enjoyed. Pool parties with her family and tubing down the Salt River with friends helped her stay connected (and cool). She was also able to escape the heat by taking weekend trips up north to Prescott and Flagstaff where temperatures were cooler. When she was at home, she learned to appreciate the early mornings before the sun claimed the sky and decided to add a devotional time to her morning routine. She also looked forward to late evenings when the sky filled with dark but welcome rain clouds from the evening monsoons. She'd sit on her balcony at these times, soaking in the cool monsoon breezes, letting the tranquility wash over her like soothing rain. These became her moments of meditation, of connection to the world outside her doors. It was not an easy journey. There were days when the weight of the blazing heat seemed too much, days when the shadows of her mind seemed longer than the shadows cast by the noonday sun. But every morning, she reminded herself that it was not a battle to be won in a day. It was a process, a dance with the sun, a rhythm she had to find and follow. The weeks continued and before long, cooler temperatures returned just in time for her to hang up her autumn decorations.

Through her struggle with RSAD, Emilia learned to navigate the ebb and flow of her moods. She learned the importance of understanding and listening to herself (body and soul), of finding beauty in unexpected places, and of finding strength in vulnerability. Most importantly, she learned that even the harshest of summers give way to gentler seasons, and it was her task to weather the storm, to keep going even under the harshest sun, until the skies softened once again.

RSAD is one example of how deeply our environment and health are intertwined. By understanding the signs and symptoms, as well as possible solutions, we can better manage the effects this conditions may have on our lives. If you or a loved one might be dealing with RSAD, don't hesitate to reach out for help. You are worth it. And remember, you're not alone on this journey. If you're looking for support, we at Prism Counseling & Coaching are just a phone call away and would be more than happy to explore counseling options with you. Here's to brighter days ahead, regardless of the season.

The contents of this article are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice; this content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this article.

Avoiding Ministry Burnout

5/2/2023

I’ve counseled a lot of pastors over the years, which is a privilege, but can also be heartbreaking. Pastors are human, and they struggle with the same pressures that everyone does. Yet there can be an unspoken expectation that pastors have to be perfect.

1 Timothy 3:2 indicates that a leader should be “above reproach” and “must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation.” Paul sets the standard high, and we are wise to follow his instruction, but we tend to drain all grace out of these guidelines. Apart from Christ, the New Testament doesn’t present spiritual leaders as flawless, even after they receive the Holy Spirit. Paul lost his temper and got into a disagreement with Barnabas that became so intense that they split ways (Acts 15:36-41). Peter turned away from those who needed the gospel in order to appease the in-crowd (Galatians 2:11-14). External pressure proved to be too much and they caved in. These examples are not an excuse for sin, but we need to be aware of external pressure so that we don’t give into internal temptation. With all of the pressure to perform, some pastors succumb to stress, burnout, and even scandal.

It’s easy to become absorbed in a frenzy of activity. Leaders often take on too many responsibilities, or other people’s problems overwhelm them. A lot of ministers absorb the anxiety and stress from their congregants and staff. They say “yes” too much and overstep their own limits. When the focus is on taking care of other people, time with God and family can fall by the wayside. How do we prevent burnout? Here are three tactics that I suggest for pastors and ministers that are feeling the strain.

A lot of ministers absorb the anxiety and stress from their congregants and staff. They say “yes” too much and overstep their own limits.

1. Rest

Find time for rest. While we don’t have to follow a strict observance of the Sabbath, the general principle is still beneficial and restorative. In the words of Christ: “’The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath’” (Mark 2:27). I suggest resting daily, weekly, and every few months.

Have a daily sabbath time, where you cut off all work at a certain time in the evening.
Also, take whole days off every week. You want at least one day off, but ideally two days off in a row. Two sleeps in a row, without having to wake up to work, can really help you recover from the week.
Take a vacation every few months. Get out of the house and get away. If you can’t get out of town, at least plan a “staycation”, where you stay at a nearby hotel or someone’s home to get away from the distraction of work. Create space in your life so you can breathe.

2. Nourish Your Spiritual Life

Focus on feeding your soul. Do this by connecting with God, connecting with family, and connecting with close friends.
Have alone time with God on a regular basis. Implement silence with prayer so that you have time to listen for God’s voice.

“If a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?”

— 1 Timothy 3:5

Make your family a priority. Carve out time to date your spouse as well as other times to spend with the kids as a family. These don’t have to be expensive outings. A trip to the park is sufficient for family day. An evening drive to get ice cream can be a memorable date. The point is to intentionally connect with your spouse and your kids. This reflects the passage we mentioned earlier where Paul makes the point that “if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:5).
Develop deeper friendships with two or three other believers. It’s great if you have friends within your congregation, but it can be beneficial to have friends outside of the church who are detached from the nitty-gritty of what’s going on. Connecting with your loved ones in meaningful ways will go far in feeling less alone.

3. Set Limits

Finally, you want to set boundaries. Get over the messiah complex — you cannot do it all.

Become accustomed to saying “no.”
Don’t be afraid to delegate and ask others to take over certain responsibilities. This means letting go.
Consider getting a personal assistant to answer emails and to screen phone calls.
When you counsel your parishioners, don’t get overly involved in their problems. Only meet with them for two or three sessions, then refer them out to a faith-based counselor in the community.

What should you do if you're on the edge?

Get away. An emergency sabbatical is better than just quitting on the fly. What your soul may be wanting and needing is a break.
Get some counseling. Find a counselor or therapist who has experience working with pastors. Online counseling may be an option if you live in a small community, and you don’t have a counselor close by.
Don’t make any major decisions until you are able to step back, get some rest, and hear from God.
More than anything, be prayerful.
Gain some wisdom from other leaders you respect. 

Take good care of yourself, so that you can more effectively tend to God’s people.

Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Tres works with pastors and leaders struggling with issues around leadership, stress, boundaries, and self-differentiation. He has been working with pastors and leaders for over 10 years.

Meet Tres

Responding to Those Deconstructing

6/14/2022

by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

How pastors, families, and churches can be there for those who are deconstructing

In the summer of last year, well-known evangelical pastor, David Jeremiah, declared that those leaving evangelicalism (termed "Exvangelicals") could be an indication of the beginning of the end times. While this was merely speculative, and might have intended to help current believers feel better about what they were seeing, this approach does little to build empathy with those who have already felt hurt by the church. The posture of a Christian (especially pastors) should be one of compassion and understanding, not othering (especially demonizing) those who think differently than we do. It also seems counter to the evangelical message itself. We should pursue and love others, especially when they have genuine questions around God, faith, and their purpose and direction in life.

As a pastoral counselor, I have been working for several years with clients who have deconstructed their faith. I have personally deconstructed and reconstructed my theology many times, so the process doesn't scare me — I'm ready to go there with clients. Meanwhile, I know that many churches and pastors are trying to figure out how to respond to those in their congregations undergoing deconstruction. They don't want to demonize other people, but have a real heart for those who are hurting and seeking answers. From my own experience, here are a few things to understand and consider if you are working with someone who is deconstructing:

Listen to the podcast version of this article:

**Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct.**

1. Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct. Questioning one's faith can be an emotionally exhaustive process that may lead a person to a place where they feel like they may lose their church, their family, and their friends. There's a lot on the line so try to be sensitive to this. Many have previously been ardent believers, faithful givers, and actively involved in their local church.

2. If someone is honest with you about their doubts, view it as an act of bravery.
Many people who are deconstructing are afraid of being rejected by people who have been close to them for years. Many are afraid of simply being labeled a "backslider." Even if they don't experience this reaction, they still may not be completely comfortable with spiritual conversations if they feel like they might be misunderstood. Try to listen more than you speak.

3. Understand that people land in different places.
Not everyone who deconstructs gives up on faith altogether. Some change churches or denominations. Others might even opt to stay in their current community but adjust their personal beliefs. Others choose to identify as "spiritual-but-not-religious." Some might choose to become agnostic or even atheist, but others might not choose a label at all. Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story.

Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story.

4. Don't push them into reconstruction.
While deconstruction can be a precursor toward the reconstruction of a deeper, more vibrant faith, the process is so incredibly unique to each person. It's tempting to suggest that they should "still focus on Jesus" or not "throw out the baby with the bath water," but some people may need to go through a season where they step away from faith altogether, especially if they have trauma around religion or if they experienced abuse in the church. Such tragedy can deeply affect a person's perception and experience of God, so they may need to distance themselves so they can disentangle and heal.

Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you.

5. Love no matter what.
Seek to fulfill Jesus' second greatest commandment — if you love God, love others. Many approaches to evangelism focus on using relationships to lead people to Christ. Yet, it's important to realize that this is a completely different situation. Don't just use the relationship to evangelize. Many of those who are deconstructing understand the gospel quite well and can articulate it by heart. Besides, no one wants to just be someone else's "project." We all desire to have authentic connection and validation by others. Simply love and let go of the outcome. Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you. Your only call is to love and be Christ to other people.

6. Do your own introspection as a leader and as a church.
None of this means that you have to deconstruct yourself. If it's distressing to talk to someone who is deconstructing, it might be time to work on yourself. Asking yourself (and your church) some hard questions can be incredibly valuable. I've listed some ideas below. These questions are less about finding concrete answers and more about what you discover as a result of having these conversations:

Is it possible for someone to be a part of our church who holds differing beliefs than that of the official doctrines of our church and/or denomination? If so, how? If not, why?
How can our church be a place where people can wrestle with authentic spiritual questions and raw emotions without facing negative consequences (such being viewed with suspicion, treated differently, or even asked to leave)?
If spirituality is a process, what does that mean? What does it look like?
How has my own faith changed during the past 5 years? 10 years? What challenges have I faced that rocked my faith? What did I learn and how did I process through that?
Who can I go to when I have my own questions (or even doubts) about my faith? Do I feel safe asking those questions with certain people? Are there some people I don't feel safe having those conversations with?
Does someone else's deconstruction threaten my own faith? If so, why does it bother me so much?
Can I be someone's friend without turning them into a "project" to fix, but genuinely be their friend regardless of what they end up believing? What makes it hard for me?
Do other people who love me disagree with some things that I believe? Is that okay?

About Tres Adames

Rev. Tres Adames is a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and provides resources on the subject of deconstruction in the following areas:

Counseling for those experiencing deconstruction, as well as a host of other spiritual, relational, and emotional issues.
Consulting for pastors and therapists who are working with individuals and families going through deconstruction.
Teaching an online course for counselors and therapists on helping clients navigate faith transition professionally and ethically.

New Course on Deconstruction for Counselors and Therapists

We have recently created a new course (primarily for counselors and pastors) on this important topic. This new training supports and upholds the personal faith and perspective of the faith-based counselor, but offers insight for working with people who hold beliefs different from your own. This course is meant to help people who are deconstructing receive care that is person-centered, ethical, sensitive, and trauma-informed.

Learn More

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