Christmas is often described as a joyful time, but for many people it can feel anything but and can amplify painful emotions. It's one thing to deal with grief and loss, but it's another to deal with a heartache that others don't acknowledge or understand. Subtler losses are rarely named or supported.  This is not an exhaustive list, but here are 7 types of loss that I have seen clients struggle with over the holidays.

Most people anticipate that the first Christmas after losing a loved one will be difficult. People are more aware of your loss, and there is permission to struggle. What is less talked about is how grief can resurface years later. Years after my father passed away, I was surprised at how the second and third Christmas hit harder than before.

People often think they should be “past this by now.” But grief is not linear and often moves in cycles. Sometimes it takes longer for you to fully grasp that the person is really gone. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries have a way of reopening what was never fully finished.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” --Psalm 42:11 ​

“There is a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” —​Ecclesiastes 3:1,4​

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” ​—2 Corinthians 4:16​

“Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’… your heavenly Father knows that you need them.” --​Matthew 6:31–32 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — ​Psalm 34:18

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” --​Matthew 5:4 ​

Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not widely acknowledged or socially supported. We commonly see this when someone is dealing with things like family estrangement, infertility, grieving the loss of a pet, or other significant changes that others don't know about or understand. These types of losses often don't get public acknowledgment​ or have clear rituals that bring support. During the holidays, these losses can feel especially isolating. When grief is not recognized, it often becomes heavier and harder to bear.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” —​​Romans 12:15

If you recognize yourself in any of these losses, there is nothing wrong with you. Grief often needs to be processed and metabolized in order to heal. It can't be rushed, ignored, or pushed away.

It's important to find support during this season.
​
Support can take many forms, but counseling can be especially helpful in processing grief. Grief support groups can offer empathy and connection, and even a trusted friend who is willing to talk over coffee or hot cocoa can make a meaningful difference.

If the season feels heavier than you expected, it may be because you are carrying something meaningful that deserves care. It's a place where God can and will meet you with healing and compassion. Scripture reminds us that “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

When the news shows us another tragedy, such as the horrific events that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012, it’s unimaginable trying to visualize what the parents and family went through. What do you say to someone who has lost a child?
​The best thing?
​
​Nothing.

Often when we see someone going through a hard time, we feel pressured to give some sort of consolation. It’s understandable—we feel bad for the person and we want them to feel better, but many times what a grieving person needs most is not a series of platitudes or bible verses, but simply your presence.

Grief is the most complex series of emotions anyone can go through.
There’s sadness, anger, rage, despair, confusion and more. Grief can’t be pushed aside, ignored or softened. It has to be experienced. It has to be metabolized. Failure to do this can lead to negative long term effects. It won’t go away unless it’s dealt with.
But how? Through the support of other people who care.

When you’re grieving, sometimes God doesn’t seem to be there at all. God often doesn’t answer the ‘whys’ during those hard times. We too should refrain from doing so when comforting others.

Just be there for them.
Sit in a living room in silence with them for a few hours.
Listen to them talk about the person they lost.
Laugh when they laugh as they remember the good times.
Help them feel less alone. 
​They’ll thank you for it. ​You will be the presence of God to them during those darkest hours.

​For more on the topic of grief, see: Dealing with Loss

I remember the first time I moved away from home. It was my freshman year in college when I made the trek from Arizona to Kentucky to attend Asbury University. I was excited about starting college, but was going to miss my family who would be 1,800 miles away. Even though exciting things were happening, I was temporarily losing something — constant contact with my family and the familiarity of how my life used to be at home. 

Grief comes with loss and change. 
Whenever we think of grief, we think of the sadness that accompanies the death of a loved one. In reality, grief occurs whenever we lose something important to us. While the death of a family member certainly fits the bill, it could be the loss of a relationship through a breakup or divorce, or the loss of a job. Grief also encompasses the change that comes as a result of the loss. Things are no longer as comfortable and we are forced to adjust. Even good things like marriage and the arrival of children means the end of a former way of life that was familiar. 

How do we get over it? 
There are healthy ways to grieve but also things we do that may get in the way of healthy grieving. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Try not to ignore it.
  Pretending the events didn't occur, and denying the impact it has had on us will only postpone the inevitable need to confront the loss. We need to move through the pain by expressing it through healthy avenues (more on this later). 
• Try not to numb it.
  Avoiding the pain through addiction, or even trying to remain busy, can also prolong the process. Trying to numb the pain doesn't allow us to eventually accept the loss. This acceptance is necessary in order to transition through the next phase of life. 
• Try not to short-circuit the process.
  Changing our circumstances too quickly to avoid the pain of a loss can create problems later. Transition is needed, but moving things along prematurely can be unwise. Some people feel the need to jump from one relationship to another in order to escape. Newly-formed stepfamilies can have major issues if things are moving too quickly. This happens if both parents (and kids in the mix) have personal baggage they haven't dealt with. 

How to Grieve
The only way to get over grief is to grieve. Grief is the most complex series of emotions humans are capable of experiencing. There is no time table for grief. The only way to get through it is to feel it, experience it, and eventually accept it. Some ways to process grief:

• Talk about it.
  Find some close friends that you can open up to. If you don't have a community of people you can connect with, see a counselor, join a small group, or sign up for an online support group. 
• Express it.
  Put your feelings to paper through journaling. Listen to music that expresses but also encourages your heart. Draw, paint, and do whatever you can to help process your grief. 
• Cry.
  Don't feel guilty about feeling sad. Let yourself cry but don't cry alone. Cry with a friend, and if you are a person of faith, cry out to God — try praying your tears. 

Grief is beautiful.  
During my first semester in college, I finally did feel better about living so far from home. What was harder was the fact that two people in my family died during my second month there—my great-grandmother and my cousin who was like a sister to me. It was hard to grieve so far from my family, but comfort came through several phone calls, some talks with my pastor, and the support of those around me. 

As I look back, I still feel sad whenever I think about my cousin, Nichole. I realize she's in a better place, but there is still a sadness that remains. And that's okay. It's more like a beautiful sorrow. Feeling loss means you had something that gave you joy to begin with. Grief is difficult but it doesn't negate joy. It makes you human, and makes you feel alive. 

Every deep cut leaves a scar. You will feel much better eventually—but there may always remain a remnant of sadness. Such experiences nurture a compassion for others going through the same thing—which is exactly what they'll need in the midst of their own loss. You can be the very presence of God to them during a time when you wish you had the same. 

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Sometimes I will get a call or an email asking for counseling, then never hear from the person again. This is normal and I have come to expect it. Most people don’t reach out for help until they’re desperate or have run out of solutions. Yet many times, it’s not solutions we settle for, it’s distraction.

Sadness, grief and anger are emotions that are disturbing and invade our lives at the most inconvenient times. Our first reaction is to bury these feelings and push them below the surface so we can carry on with our day-to-day lives. We opt for appearing like we have it all together while trying to numb the pain through various activities—resorting to anywhere from workaholism to alcoholism. But the feelings will return, and if deeply suppressed, may return with a vengeance years later. Unresolved grief can lead to depression, anger issues and a host of other problems. Unresolved grief will also negatively affect your personal relationships.

It doesn’t help that America is a highly individualistic culture. We’re taught to pull ourselves up and not depend on others, even if it means that you should put up a false front. This has seeped into the American church as well. Some Christian teachers believe that should deny your emotions and completely ignore your feelings. “Doing the right thing” and simply believingin God has replaced having faith and trust in God.

Yet there is a better way. We need to overcome the fear of our humanity and trust ourselves completely to God. He is not afraid of your feelings and wants you to pray in a way that shares exactly what is on your heart and mind so you can release it to Him. The Psalms are full of various people who cried out to God honestly with much emotion. The Lord may not give you an explanation, but He promises to carry you through. He will provide other people to walk with you and process your pain. He will give you the strength to overcome and you will eventually find peace as a result. The positive feelings will return. They will. Trust God with your whole heart—after all, He is the one who made it.

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