When Christmas Isn’t Merry: 7 Quiet Losses Many People Carry During the Holidays

12/17/2025

by Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Christmas is often described as a joyful time, but for many people it can feel anything but and can amplify painful emotions. It's one thing to deal with grief and loss, but it's another to deal with a heartache that others don't acknowledge or understand. Subtler losses are rarely named or supported. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are 7 types of loss that I have seen clients struggle with over the holidays.

1. The Loss of Someone Who Has Been Gone for a Long Time

Most people anticipate that the first Christmas after losing a loved one will be difficult. People are more aware of your loss, and there is permission to struggle. What is less talked about is how grief can resurface years later. Years after my father passed away, I was surprised at how the second and third Christmas hit harder than before.

People often think they should be “past this by now.” But grief is not linear and often moves in cycles. Sometimes it takes longer for you to fully grasp that the person is really gone. Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries have a way of reopening what was never fully finished.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” --Psalm 42:11

2. The Loss of Traditions and the People Who Made Them Happen

Families often experience more than one loss after a death. In addition to losing a loved one, we also lose the routines, roles, and traditions that person held, commonly referred to as secondary loss.

There can be grief not just for the person, but for the holiday as a whole. Perhaps it was your mom or grandmother who prepared the meals and wrapped the gifts, or your dad or grandpa who put up the lights each year and led the family in prayer at Christmas dinner. After these loved ones are gone, traditions change or quietly fade away. Sometimes no one knows how to step into the role or what to do with old expectations. These seemingly small details can leave a large hole that constantly reminds you of the person who is gone.

“There is a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” —Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

3. The Loss of Health, Yours or Someone Else’s

Maybe your loved one isn't gone, but things just aren't the same. If a family member is dealing with dementia, chronic illness, or decline, you might find yourself grieving someone who is still sitting in the room. Most of the time when we grieve the loss of someone, we are mourning a clear beginning and end of their life. But when there is a slow fade or things are uncertain health-wise, you might experience what's known as ambiguous loss, a type of loss that is ongoing, unclear, and without resolution.

At the same time, you may be bracing for a future loss you know is coming. If a loved one is dealing with a terminal illness or advanced aging, you might experience what's known as anticipatory grief, which means feeling sad before the person is gone. You know it's coming, they know it's coming, but everyone is trying to carry on like nothing has changed.

Sometimes the loss is your own health. You may be the one who used to make the holidays happen, and now you can't stay on your feet as long. You feel overwhelmed more easily. Your body no longer cooperates the way it once did. This can carry grief, shame, and a sense of quiet mourning that others do not see.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” —2 Corinthians 4:16

4. The Loss of Work and Financial Security

Job loss is a significant and often unacknowledged grief during the holidays. December is an incredibly busy and expensive time of year. People are not only expected to take off work, but are pressured to spend extra money on loved ones (even if they can't afford it). This intensifies if you're not receiving a regular paycheck. It can make celebrations feel more stressful than joyful. There can be embarrassment when people ask questions about your job search or when they skirt around it in conversation.

This kind of loss can affect your identity, dignity, and sense of purpose. People often carry it alone, even while sitting at a holiday table surrounded by others.

“Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’… your heavenly Father knows that you need them.” --Matthew 6:31–32

5. The Loss of a Relationship Through Divorce or Breakup

Losing a relationship with your significant other can be especially painful during the holidays. Divorce can carry grief that others avoid naming because they don't want to make you feel worse. Breakups are even more likely to be dismissed with phrases like “you’ll find someone else” or “there's plenty of fish in the sea.” Family members might even make fun of your ex out of a desire to support you, which might hurt more if you still love the person.

Shared traditions, inside jokes, future plans, and a sense of belonging are suddenly gone. Christmas has a way of highlighting what's missing from previous years, especially when it's attached to specific memories.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18

6. The Loss of a Child Through Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy loss is one of the most frequently unacknowledged forms of grief. Losing a child is the most devastating loss a parent can experience, and it's even more painful when others don't know about it or when it hasn't been shared with others. Because these losses are often private, many people grieve silently.

Christmas imagery is saturated with themes of birth, family, and new life, which can be deeply painful for those who have experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss. The holidays can reopen questions about what might have been, along with renewed feelings of sadness, anger, or isolation.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” --Matthew 5:4

7. Other Losses That Are Not Publicly Recognized

Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not widely acknowledged or socially supported. We commonly see this when someone is dealing with things like family estrangement, infertility, grieving the loss of a pet, or other significant changes that others don't know about or understand. These types of losses often don't get public acknowledgment or have clear rituals that bring support. During the holidays, these losses can feel especially isolating. When grief is not recognized, it often becomes heavier and harder to bear.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” —Romans 12:15

If You're Struggling This Year...

If you recognize yourself in any of these losses, there is nothing wrong with you. Grief often needs to be processed and metabolized in order to heal. It can't be rushed, ignored, or pushed away.

It's important to find support during this season.

Support can take many forms, but counseling can be especially helpful in processing grief. Grief support groups can offer empathy and connection, and even a trusted friend who is willing to talk over coffee or hot cocoa can make a meaningful difference.

If the season feels heavier than you expected, it may be because you are carrying something meaningful that deserves care. It's a place where God can and will meet you with healing and compassion. Scripture reminds us that “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

0 Comments

When Christmas Isn’t Merry: 7 Quiet Losses Many People Carry During the Holidays

1. The Loss of Someone Who Has Been Gone for a Long Time

2. The Loss of Traditions and the People Who Made Them Happen

3. The Loss of Health, Yours or Someone Else’s

4. The Loss of Work and Financial Security

5. The Loss of a Relationship Through Divorce or Breakup

6. The Loss of a Child Through Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

7. Other Losses That Are Not Publicly Recognized

If You're Struggling This Year...

Leave a Reply.

We're ready to help. Let's begin.

Peoria Location

Phoenix Location

About

Services

Education

Contact